42 Quotes Found
"Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger."
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice."
"Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'"
"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet."
"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children."
"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
"A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station."
"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes."
"I think the part of media that romanticizes criminal behavior, things that a person will say against women, profanity, being gangster, having multiple children with multiple men and women and not wanting to is prevalent. When you look at the majority of shows on television they placate that kind of behavior."
"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy."
"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge."
"We're not raising children with the love that we need to."
"I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't."
"I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't."
"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it."
"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die."
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
"I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"I don't have a problem believing in God and Jesus. But in Genesis one has to wonder about these sentences that just go on and end without finishing. The thought is unfinished. Where did Adam go? What is he doing? Hello? There has to be some pages missing."
"Gray hair is God's graffiti."
"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it."
"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now."
"There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God."
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on."
"Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific."
"Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to."
"The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them."
"If you have no faith, you've lost your battle."
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."
"I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal."
"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework."
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."
"Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them."
"The heart of marriage is memories and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods."
"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries."